Who Knows?
by aLLy596
Summary: Ashley is having trouble with her emotions about Spencer. And Spencer is forever oblivious. Chapter FIVE is up!
1. Now

_**A/N: hey I wrote this really quickly. This actually happened to me today and I thought that it might make a good Spashley one shot. Told from Ashley's POV. If you could give me advice that would be great. I am telling the story. PLEASE READ. Sorry if there are typo's**_

School ended and summer came. She went on vacation. I didn't talk to her for two whole weeks. I finally thought that I was over her. That the crush I had was just… well… a crush. And it meant nothing. That I was just in a crazy-teenage-school-trance that would end along with school. She got back and never called. She never called during her vacation either. I avoided the pool when I knew she would be there. I wanted to end our friendship nicely and remember only good. But I needed to see her. One night, I laid in bed and went through everything that ever happened in my life. EVERYTHING. It took me 3 hours to psychoanalyze myself. I needed closure, to prove that I was over her. I called her and invited her to come over in a week for a party with the rest of my 'friends'. 'Friends' meaning people I met through her. Before she came, I was a nobody. I finally got up the courage to see her. The same day I called, I went over to her house. Her parents weren't home. She answered the door and stepped outside. I was hiding in a corner on the porch. She looked different than she had before. She was older. More mature. More beautiful. There was no way I was over her. My heart leapt into my throat as she turned to look at me. She only stared, waiting for me to speak. I told her that I was going to a friends who lived down the street to drop off some CD's, I thought she might be bored, and I wondered if she wanted to walk with me. She looked at me quizzically trying to decipher my words because of all my stuttering. She agreed and invited me inside. She went to go get her cell phone. I watched her run up the stairs in miniscule shorts and a tight tank. She was perfect. Everyday she went for a two mile run and she looked like a model. A goddess. I walked around and my eyes rested on the mantle. There was a framed picture of her smiling. It was from school. I had seen it all before, but it looked so long ago now. She came down and laughed at my intense gaze on her picture. She dragged me outside and put my skateboard on the porch. We talked about unimportant things. And how we were both moving to opposite ends of the country. She was leaving in a month. My friend wasn't home. So we headed back to her house. Instead of going inside I told her to walk with me and she did. We walked around the neighborhood playing like little kids. She kicked me in the butt and I chased after her. I picked her up and spun her around for she weighed very little. All the time she was giggling like a four year old and I had a permanent smile on my face. I set her down and turned her to face me. I had to say something.

"I missed you, Spencer."

"Ashley. We've only been apart two weeks."

"I know. And everyday was hell."

She took a deep breath, turned around, and kept walking. It was starting to rain and I got the feeling she was uncomfortable. The only thing I could do was run up and kick her in the butt. She turned around, faked gasped, and ran after me. We continued while the rain fell harder and faster. We finally reached her house again. We discussed everything. Well, everything from what color underwear I was wearing to a place called Pleasure Island. (don't ask…) She told me I had to leave because she couldn't have me in when her parents weren't home. I sadly turned to leave, when I heard her voice.

"Ashley, your skateboard."

I walked up to her and hugged her. We were both soaked through standing in the middle of the yard. I whispered in her ear.

"I'll see you soon."

I grabbed my skateboard and left. It was raining harder than I could ever remember. I looked up into the sky. I was happy. I was alive. I screamed as loud as I could.

"I LOVE SPENCER CARLIN!"

_**please give advice!!**_


	2. Update

_**Author's Note**_

_**tonton16 – thank you so much for reviewing! And I have absolutely no idea to your questions right now, I will on Monday though because. Spencer will go to Ashley's for a party. Cause you see that was my story and I yelled that and the thought that she might have heard that didn't cross my mind until now. Thank you for now putting me officially in panic mode! Monday will have an update. I promise. **_

_**DatSoNfan – I will make it more than a one shot because of your request and tonton16's review as well. It means a lot that you commented on my story and on some other of my stories! I LOVE YOU TOO!!!! **_

_**Thanks guys…**_

_**xx**__** aLLy596 **__**xx**_


	3. Flashback and Flashback within Flashback

_**A/N: I decided to write a little background. Once again, this is a true story and it would mean a lot if you reviewed. My other story "War at First Sight: the story" is kind of a prequel to this. Enjoy. **_

_**Meghan24S – thank you. you're really sweet. you're review gave me inspiration to write this. You really understand what I'm doing and you took time to read the Author's Note. I would give you a giant bear hug if I actually knew you and wasn't so weirded out by hugs. Have a good one!**_

_**Everything is in Ashley's POV**_

_**Flashback**_

_It was after Christmas break and our first day back. I was scared as hell to see Spencer. _

_**Flashback within a Flashback**_

_Over the break I got bored and decided to go visit her in her house. When I got there, I raised my hand to the door to knock, but suddenly a burst of nervousness spread throughout my body. I didn't know why. I mean Spencer was my friend. Probably my best, but why was I so scared to see her? I knocked on the door. I took a deep breath._

'_Relax Ashley it's only Spencer.'_

_I heard her running down the stairs. _

'_Oh shit'_

_I ran for it. I ran as fast I could home. In the background, I heard the door open and her step outside looking for someone. I dove behind a tree and hid until I was sure she was back inside. _

_That night I was still trying to figure out what was going on. _

'_Oh. My. God. I like her. NO! NO I DON'T! She's just my friend. I can't like her. I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm not! I'm NOT! I'M NOT!' _

_I started punching things. I hit my pillow at first. Then my wall. Then a picture (which broke making me bleed). Then finally I ended up somehow punching my hand. I broke down and started to cry. I stayed there for hours just crying. I couldn't be gay. It wasn't even an option. _

_**End of Flashback within a Flashback**_

_I now had a big ugly bandage around my left hand. And I looked like shit. I woke up late and had to rush out the door. I saw her standing by my locker. (which just so happened to be right above hers)._

"_Hey Ash!" She was always a morning person._

"_Hey Spencer…" I sighed. Waking up was never my thing. She stared down at my hand. Her eyes grew wide._

"_Oh my gosh!" notice she didn't say 'oh my god'. Spencer Carlin was a god-fearing-Christian with a priest as her mother. "What happened?!?!?"_

"_Oh nothing. I just got in one hell of an accident on my skateboard." No way was I going to tell her what happened. She frowned, but accepted my answer._

"_Well, I hope your okay, but don't say hell. It's wrong." _

"_Yes, __Mother__. But one day you will crack. And I won't be there to save you." Yes I will, I know it._

_She scoffed and walked with me to our homeroom._

"_So how was your Christmas?" I asked trying to keep conversation going._

"_Okay I guess. I got a new iPod Speaker system, but I got all these weird calls where no one was there and it was a private number."  
_

_I turned beet red but she just kept on talking, not noticing my discomfort._

"_Oh and some one kept coming to my door ringing the doorbell and running away. It was kinda strange."_

_By now, I felt like I was on fire. I was pretty sure I saw my hands turn red too. I decided to distract her with teasing._

"_Maybe someone has a crush on you." I teased in a sing-song voice._

"_Yeah, right. Who would have a crush on me?"_

"_Anybody who ever saw you. Someday, when you finally decide to date one of your many admirers they have to go through me first so I can see if they are worthy." None of them would be though. _

"_Thanks Ash." She knew guys loved her, but she like messing with my head for some reason._

_We finally reached homeroom. Lauren was waiting for us. She looked towards me.  
_

"_God Ashley, you look like hell." I was about to respond when Spencer cut in._

"_No she doesn't." I laughed._

"_Thanks for the effort, but I kind of do." She only gave me a weak smile. I told them I'd be right back. I walked into the empty bathroom. I put my hands on the sink and lowered my head. When I finally looked at myself in the mirror, I stared back at my reflection calmly. I turned and faced the wall. _

"_AHHHHHHHH!!!!" I kicked the wall as hard as I could. I limped out of the bathroom. And went back to class._

_**End Flashback**_


	4. more background

_**True story, yada yada yada. My parents are getting mad so I can't type anymore.**_

After Christmas, Spencer started to change.

_**Flashback**_

_Spencer, Lauren, Rachel, Aubrey, and I were sitting at the usually table at lunch. We were all completely different people. Spencer was the goody two shoes. Lauren was the spunky cheerleader. Rachel was the badass punk. Aubrey was the Broadway girly girl. And I was the tomboy skater chick. It was a wonder how we all became friends. _

_Anyway, we were talking about the latest movie or television show. They all ignored my sighs of disbelief of their stupidity as they were completely enthralled with last night's episode of American Idol. Spencer reached to grab her water. She picked it up and started to chug it. That was a very bad move around me._

I readied myself while her eyes were closed, I picked the perfect moment, and BAM!!! I clapped my hand together on the water bottle and she was drenched. They were never mad at me when I played immature pranks on them, it just kind of came with being my friend. I rolled out of my seat laughing with tears in my eyes. 

_She bolted out of her seat and stood up. "FUCK!" As soon as those words left her mouth, my heart broke. My face hardened and my tears became ones of sorrow. I knew, in that moment, that my innocent, sweet Spencer Carlin was fading into someone I would come to hate._

_**End Flashback**_

Things only got worse from there.

_**Flashback**_

_Spencer started to curse more and more over the next few weeks and each time she did, I would inwardly cringe and I would tense up._

_Then one day the unspeakable happened. Remember how she always looked like a saint and her clothes screamed, "I'm just perfectly adorable. I command you to love me". Well today, when she walked in my jaw hit the floor and I was lost for words. She walked up to me. I was sitting in a desk so she was standing above me. _

"_Hey Ashley."_

_She was wearing a REALLY tight black shirt that said 'Come to the Darkside, We have cookies" with a devil holding a tray of – you guessed it – cookies. Her jeans were tight and her midriff was exposed showing her toned stomach. She traded her sneaker for a pair of Converse. Her blonde hair was messily down and she put on darker eyeliner and eye shadow (the same stuff she's been trying to get me to wear for months but I won't go anywhere NEAR make up… it freaks me out). She was h.o.t. I couldn't even form sentences._

"_He-hey. Spe-Spencer. You l-look…WOW…" _

_She giggled and put her hand on my shoulder. "Ashley, one day we will get you help." My cheeks were burning and she laughed again. Spencer walked away to go talk to Lauren. Her touched lingered on my shoulder. I shook my head and stared a hole in the desk. I couldn't believe it._

Spencer was changing. And I didn't want her too. I liked the old Spencer. The one who talked to me and made things better. The one who scolded me when I used a bad word or did something wrong. The one who looked like she fell from heaven not rose from the depths of hell. I wanted her back, but I couldn't control her no matter how much I wanted too. Jake, one of my oldest guy friends – we tried to date, but I dumped him cause I just didn't think it was going to work – came up to me. 

"_Ashley… Is that SPENCER?!? You have to introduce me."_

_  
I looked at him quizzically. "Dude. You know her already."  
_

"_Yeah, but I know Church Spencer. I wanna know THAT Spencer."_

_That got me mad. "She's still the same person, damn it! She's still the same!! And if you want me to be your wing chick, forget it man! I don't work for anybody!"_

"_Geez, Ash, chill." He was freaked. So was I._

"_Chill!! YOU WANT ME TO 'CHILL'. THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER WITHOUT YOUR UGLY ASS FACE AROUND ME!!!" I was pissed and he wasn't making it better ogling Spencer._

"_What the hell is your problem?"_

"_You! You're my problem!" I swung at him, but he ducked and the punch missed him. I jumped at him, but Sarah held me back. Good ole' Sarah always saving me from fights. We didn't hang out as much as we used to but we keep in touch. Sarah and Jake were always protecting me. I kept struggling against her she pulled me in and hugged me. I hugged her as hard as I could and started to cry. Jake came up and patted me on the back, trying to comfort me. Over Sarah's shoulder, I saw Spencer. She glanced at me and then turned back to her conversation. That hurt more than anything. More than her changing. _

_**End Flashback**_

I still regret lashing out at Jake. I never meant to. And if you can believe it, things got EVEN worse with her…

_**Flashback**_

"_Damn it! Spencer! You broke my concentration!" I screamed at her jokingly._

_We were in the library with Aubrey and Emily working on art projects. Emily was the only person that knew about my crush. My non-gay crush. She transferred late into school and guess what!?! She was gay and had a girlfriend who I hated. Donna, one of my many enemies at school_.

"_Aww… are you mad?" Spencer replied in an equally joking manner. Aubrey and Emily went back to art to get paints and it was just me and Spencer alone in the library. When ever Spencer was with a group of people, she was a different person. She was the person I hated, but yet I didn't because MY Spencer was still in there, just deep down. When Spencer was alone with me, she was the Spencer I liked. She was just the same as before. Except minimal cussing and still dressed like she came from hell. A very hot version of the devil. _

"_Yes. Now I'm going to take your pencil." I paused to grab it. "and you will fail for the very first time in your life and I will watch while you cry and laugh." She knew I would never actually do that. She always made straight A's as did I._

"_Please."_

"_No, you were mean."_

"_Please."_

"_No."  
_

_At this point Aubrey and Emily came back._

"_Hey what's going on?" Emily said noticing the glare/pleading looks._

_We ignored them._

"_Ashley, please?" then she pouted. Oh god, that pout could break even the strongest, most cruel of human kind. If anyone asks, I would pick that as the moment I fell for Spencer Carlin. I, Ashley Davies, the girl who didn't care about what the world thought of her, was controlled by a girl. A small town, blonde, charming girl._

_**End Flashback**_


	5. and the depression begins

Okay, so let's forget the flashbacks for a while now. After that one day in the rain, she just got bitchier and meaner to me, but I still couldn't let her go. She acted like she hated me when we were by the pool with her friends, but when her friends left, she gave me that smile that made me think that maybe everything would be okay and maybe she'd love me one day like the way I loved her.

So now this is where I am, in my bathroom with the cold tile floor against my bare skin. The sharp, tempting blade in my hand for the millionth time, while blood trickles down from my upper arm. She left me. Six months ago today.

I'll always remember the day I told her I loved her.

_Flashback (sorry I must)_

"_I'm hungry."  
_

"_Honestly, Ashley?"_

"_What?!?!"_

"_Is that all you ever think about?"_

_Here we were again. For some reason the only time I could ever talk to her was when we were walking around her block. It was kinda nice and quiet. And I decided that since she was moving in two weeks I should tell her._

"_So Spence?"_

"_What?"_

"_I have something to tell you."_

"_Well that much is obvious." And then she smiled at me. And you know what happens when she smiles: I get nervous._

"_You know how you guys always nagged me about who I liked?"_

"_Yeeaaahhh…"_

"_Well, please promise me you won't get mad."_

"_You can trust me, Ash you know that."_

_I watched an old couple pass by and a bird fly in the sky._

"_I'm gay."_

"_I know."_

"_and I love you."_

"_I know."_

_And in that moment I wanted nothing more than to be that bird. _

_**A/N: so okay I know this is so late and so short, but I will be BACK!! I'm just dealing with some stuff right now and I need to write again to let it out. My therapist recommends it… jk. My friends recommended it. Remember that this is all true and my story and that any comments you guys leave with help or at least make me post faster **__****_

_**My parentals are making go to bed now so it's short, but I will PMS when my comp. is back up.**_

_**COMMENT! PLEASE!!**_


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